When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? Read online

  Based on her past experience, she felt we needed to join together in a common bond for a combined total of twenty-four hours a day, in order to find some new initiatives. What a novel innovation! And, as an extra bonus, she presented me with the free gift of a tuna fish. Right away I noticed an immediate positive improvement. And although my recovery is not totally complete, the sum total is I feel much better now knowing I am not uniquely alone.

  THE CONTROL FREAKS

  Hello. We’re the ones who control your lives. We make the decisions that affect all of you. Isn’t it interesting to know that those who run your lives would have the nerve to tell you about it in this manner? Suffer, you fools. We know everything you do, and we know where you go. What do you think the cameras are for? And the global-positioning satellites? And the Social Security numbers? You belong to us. And it can’t be changed. Sign your petitions, walk your picket lines, bring your lawsuits, cast your votes, and write those stupid letters to whomever you please; you won’t change a thing. Because we control your lives. And we have plans for you. Go back to sleep.

  THEY CAME FROM OUT OF THE SKY

  I find it discouraging—and a bit depressing—when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky. Especially as the latter belief applies to the whole Jesus-Messiah-Son-of-God fable.

  You may have noticed that, in the media, UFO believers are usually referred to as buffs, a term used to diminish and marginalize them by relegating them to the ranks of hobbyists and mere enthusiasts. They are made to seem like kooks and quaint dingbats who have the nerve to believe that, in an observable universe of trillions upon trillions of stars, and most likely many hundreds of billions of potentially inhabitable planets, some of those planets may have produced life-forms capable of doing things that we can’t do.

  On the other hand those who believe in an eternal, all-powerful being, a being who demands to be loved and adored unconditionally and who punishes and rewards according to his whims are thought to be worthy, upright, credible people. This, in spite of the large numbers of believers who are clearly close-minded fanatics.

  To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped and filmed—and, by the way, unexplained—sightings from all over the world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced military and civilian radar operators.

  This does not even begin to include the widespread testimony of not only highly trained, experienced military and civilian pilots who are selected for their jobs, in part, for their above-average eyesight and mental stability, but also of equally well-trained, experienced law-enforcement officers. Such pilots and law-enforcement people are known to be serious, sober individuals who would have quite a bit to lose were they to be associated with anything resembling kooky, outlandish beliefs. Nonetheless, they have taken the risk of revealing their experiences because they are convinced they have seen something objectively real that they consider important.

  All of these accounts are ignored by the media.

  Granted, the world of UFO-belief has its share of kooks, nuts and fringe people, but have you ever listened to some of these religious true-believers? Have you ever heard of any extreme, bizarre behavior and outlandish claims associated with religious zealots? Could any of them be considered kooks, nuts or dingbats? A fair person would have to say yes.

  But the marginal people in these two groups don’t matter in this argument. What matters is the prejudice and superstition built into the media coverage of the two sets of beliefs. One is treated reverently and accepted as received truth, the other is treated laughingly and dismissed out of hand.

  As evidence of the above premise, I offer one version of a typical television news story heard each year on the final Friday of Lent:

  “Today is Good Friday, observed by Christians worldwide as a day that commemorates the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, whose death redeemed the sins of mankind.”

  Here is the way it should be written:

  “Today is Good Friday, observed worldwide by Jesus buffs as the day on which the popular, bearded cultural figure, sometimes referred to as The Messiah, was allegedly crucified and—according to legend—died for mankind’s so-called sins. Today kicks off a ‘holy’ weekend that culminates on Easter Sunday, when, it is widely believed, this dead ‘savior’—who also, by the way, claimed to be the son of a sky-dwelling, invisible being known as God—mysteriously ‘rose from the dead.’

  “According to the legend, by volunteering to be killed and actually going through with it, Jesus saved every person who has ever lived—and every person who ever will live—from an eternity of suffering in a fiery region popularly known as hell, providing—so the story goes—that the person to be ‘saved’ firmly believes this rather fanciful tale.”

  That would be an example of unbiased news reporting. Don’t wait around for it to happen. The aliens will land first.

  THE TWO COMMANDMENTS

  I have a problem with the Ten Commandments. Here it is: Why are there ten? We don’t need that many. I think the list of commandments was deliberately and artificially inflated to get it up to ten. It’s clearly a padded list.

  Here’s how it happened: About five thousand years ago, a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to figure out how they could control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so these guys announced that God—God personally—had given one of them a list of ten commandments that he wanted everyone to follow. They claimed the whole thing took place on a mountaintop, when no one else was around.

  But let me ask you something: When these guys were sittin’ around the tent makin’ all this up, why did they pick ten? Why ten? Why not nine, or eleven? I’ll tell you why. Because ten sounds important. Ten sounds official. They knew if they tried eleven, people wouldn’t take them seriously. People would say, “What’re you kiddin’ me? The Eleven Commandments? Get the fuck outta here!”

  But ten! Ten sounds important. Ten is the basis for the decimal system; it’s a decade. It’s a psychologically satisfying number: the top ten; the ten most wanted; the ten best-dressed. So deciding on ten commandments was clearly a marketing decision. And it’s obviously a bullshit list. In truth, it’s a political document, artificially inflated to sell better.

  I’m going to show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that’s a bit more logical and realistic. We’ll start with the first three, and I’ll use the Roman Catholic version because those are the ones I was fed as a little boy.

  • I AM THE LORD THY GOD, THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME.

  • THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN.

  • THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH.

  Okay, right off the bat, the first three commandments—pure bullshit. “Sabbath day,” “Lord’s name,” “strange gods.” Spooky language. Spooky language designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious mumbo jumbo like this apply to the lives of intelligent, civilized humans in the twenty-first century. You throw out the first three commandments, and you’re down to seven.

  • HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER.

  This commandment is about obedience and respect for authority; in other words it’s simply a device for controlling people. The truth is, obedience and respect should not be granted automatically. They should be earned. They should be based on the parents’ (or the authority figure’s) performance. Some parents deserve respect. Most of them don’t. Period. We’re down to six.

  Now, in the interest of logic—something religion has a really hard time with—I’m going to skip around the list a little bit:

  • THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.

  • THOU S
HALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS.

  Stealing and lying. Actually, when you think about it, these two commandments cover the same sort of behavior: dishonesty. Stealing and lying. So we don’t need two of them. Instead, we combine these two and call it “Thou shalt not be dishonest.” Suddenly we’re down to five.

  And as long as we’re combining commandments I have two others that belong together:

  • THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.

  • THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S WIFE.

  Once again, these two prohibit the same sort of behavior; in this case, marital infidelity. The difference between them is that coveting takes place in the mind. And I don’t think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else’s wife, otherwise what’s a guy gonna think about when he’s flogging his dong?

  But marital fidelity is a good idea, so I suggest we keep the idea and call this commandment “Thou shalt not be unfaithful.” Suddenly we’re down to four.

  And when you think about it further, honesty and fidelity are actually parts of the same overall value. So, in truth, we could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments, and, using positive language instead of negative, call the whole thing “Thou shalt always be honest and faithful.” And now we’re down to three.

  • THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S GOODS.

  This one is just plain stupid. Coveting your neighbor’s goods is what keeps the economy going: Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays “O Come All Ye Faithful,” you want to get one, too. Coveting creates jobs. Leave it alone.

  You throw out coveting and you’re down to two now: the big, combined honesty/fidelity commandment, and the one we haven’t mentioned yet:

  • THOU SHALT NOT KILL.

  Murder. The Fifth Commandment. But, if you give it a little thought, you realize that religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.

  To cite a few examples, just think about Irish history, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, our own abortion-doctor killings and, yes, the World Trade Center to see how seriously religious people take Thou Shalt Not Kill. Apparently, to religious folks—especially the truly devout—murder is negotiable. It just depends on who’s doing the killing and who’s getting killed.

  And so, with all of this in mind, folks, I offer you my revised list of the Two Commandments:

  First:

  • THOU SHALT ALWAYS BE HONEST AND FAITHFUL, ESPECIALLY TO THE PROVIDER OF THY NOOKIE.

  And second:

  • THOU SHALT TRY REAL HARD NOT TO KILL ANYONE, UNLESS, OF COURSE, THEY PRAY TO A DIFFERENT INVISIBLE AVENGER THAN THE ONE YOU PRAY TO.

  Two is all you need, folks. Moses could have carried them down the hill in his pocket. And if we had a list like that, I wouldn’t mind that brilliant judge in Alabama displaying it prominently in his courthouse lobby. As long he included one additional commandment:

  • THOU SHALT KEEP THY RELIGION TO THYSELF!!!

  THE FILTHY, DIRTY NEWS

  ANNOUNCER: It’s six o’clock, time for Action-6 News with Leslie Crotchmonger and Dick Hopshteckler. Here’s Leslie with today’s top stories.

  L: Good evening. First the headlines:

  • A giant man shits on Philadelphia.

  • An old man shows his soiled anus to a waitress at an Olive Garden.

  • A small dog eats a man’s balls and dies.

  • A crippled couple is arrested for fucking on a roller coaster.

  Now the stories behind the headlines: In Philadelphia today, a giant man dropped his huge pants and squatted over Independence Hall. He then unleashed a . . .

  (Dick reaches over and grabs Leslie’s script.)

  D: Fuck you, you cunt, you did the headlines.

  L: Lick my asshole, you dimwitted prick. My name comes first on the opening announcement.

  D: That’s because you blew the news director.

  L: At least I didn’t blow a homeless guy who has the siff.

  D: Oh yeah? Well, he wouldn’t have the siff if you didn’t fuck him in the Dumpster out back.

  L: Eat my box.

  D: Not without a gas mask, Dearie.

  L: Keep fuckin’ with me, Little Dick, and I’ll tell your wife about the Cub Scouts you went down on.

  D: Leslie, the way we’re acting is crazy. Let’s put all this petty, personal stuff behind us and act like professionals. What do you say?

  L: Good idea. I agree.

  D: So, what’s coming up at six o’clock?

  L: How the fuck should I know? What do you think I am, a fuckin’ psychic?

  D: No way! If you were psychic, you would’ve known you were gonna wind up with labia that hang down like satchel handles.

  L: Thanks, Dick, that’s real clever. By the way, doesn’t that get to you? Being called Dick?

  D: Being called Dick is a lot better than being called Dick Licker.

  L: Eat shit, raisin balls! I hope you swallow a turd. Well, folks, that’s it for Action-6 News. Don’t miss News at Eleven tonight as Rod Holder interviews a nun who’s been receiving obscene phone calls from a man who says he wants to chew her bush during a funeral mass.

  ANNOUNCER: Action-6 News has been brought to you by First Bank, meeting community needs since 1849. First Bank: Experience Out the Ass.

  THAT’S THE SPIRIT

  I don’t understand these people who call themselves spiritual advisors. Franklin Graham, the unfortunate son of Billy Graham, is George Bush’s spiritual advisor. Bill Clinton had Jesse Jackson.

  Here’s the part I don’t understand: How can someone else advise you on your spirit? Isn’t spirit an intensely personal, internal thing? Doesn’t it, by its very nature, elude definition, much less analysis? What kind of advice could some drone who has devoted his life to the self-deception of religion possibly give you about your spirit? It sounds like a hustle to me.

  GUYS CALLED JUNIOR

  I have no respect for any man who allows people to call him Junior; I immediately think he’s a chump and a loser. To me, Junior means lower than, lesser than, beneath. Putting “Junior” on a kid’s name is just a way for a father to control and demean his son and prevent him from having an identity of his own. I don’t like that whole cult-of-the-father thing in the first place. But apparently some guys’ self-esteem is just low enough that they accept it. I have no respect for them.

  Pro sports is full of these hopelessly Daddy-addicted athletes who wouldn’t think of taking a shit without their fathers’ approval. I especially have no respect for the ones whose fathers coached them in high school or college, or whose fathers played the same position they did. When I hear the sons of coaches and former athletes talking on television, they sound to me like parent-pleasers and ass-kissers. Why don’t they grow up?

  GUYS & DOLLS: PART 1

  Ladies First

  I notice a lot of this “comedy” they have on television is about relationships. Do you ever see this stuff? Relationship comedy? Well, I don’t know much about relationships, but over the years I’ve noticed a few things about the two sexes, and I’d like to discuss them. Men and women: the big, hairy, noisy male creatures, and the smaller, smoother, but nonetheless also quite noisy, female creatures.

  Here’s all you need to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. It’s not the only reason, but it’s a big one. And by the way, if you don’t think men are stupid, check the newspaper. Ninety-nine percent of all the truly horrifying shit going on in this world was initiated, established, perpetrated, enabled or continued by men. And that includes the wave and the high five, two of history’s truly low points.

  But as I say, besides knowing that men are stupid, it’s also important to remember that women are crazy. And if you don’t think women are crazy, ask a man. That’s the one thing men aren’t stupid about; they know for sure, way down deep in their hearts, that women
are straight-out fuckin’ nuts.

  But it doesn’t just happen; it isn’t an accident. Women have good reason to be nuts, the main one being that in the course of life, compared with men, they have far more to put up with; they bear greater burdens. Think of it this way: In the Big Cosmic Cafeteria, as human beings move down the chow line of life and reach that section where the shit is being spooned out, women are given several extra portions.

  And please understand, my motives here are not selfish or personal. I’m not saying all this stuff to get in good with women—although an occasional blow job would be nice. But it’s not a requirement. It’s optional. BJO: Blow Job Optional. No, I just think it should be evident to any person who’s being honest—and thinking clearly—that women carry a lot more of life’s baggage than men.

  To begin with, they’re smaller and weaker, so they get slapped, punched, raped, abused and, in general, get the shit beaten out of them on a rather regular basis. By men, of course, who are stronger. If women were stronger, this wouldn’t be happening. Men would not raise a hand if they thought the balance was more equal; they would back down quickly. Then again, if women were stronger, they would probably be beating the shit out of men just for the fun of it. It’s only fair.